Run

Just about the only time you'll catch me running is when there's a storm. There's something meditative and purifying about rhythmically striding through curtains of cold drops of water and the scent of creosote bushes in the air. It's much more of a spiritual exercise for me than a physical one.

One thing I miss dearly is being able to run to the feet of mountains on a whim; to take myself and my thoughts into a desert amongst stones and sand. To glance up and catch tongues of lightning lashing the tops of mountains silhouetted against a dark sky.

To listen to the chattering rain and fall into step with its beat. To step through tiny streams of water running off the path. To intersect with that rogue beam of sunlight that decided to peek out at me as a I embrace creation and am reminded of the fact that I am not alone; that there is a God greater than I and my circumstances.

Tonight, I was exhausted. But tonight, I ran.

It's been a while since I felt some kind of motivation towards much of anything. I didn't feel particularly bad about anything, but there wasn't anything I felt quite high about, either. It was a sick feeling of neutrality.

Neutrality is a worse feeling than pain, in my opinion. I long to be on fire - for my faith, for my passions, my dreams, for life. Because even when a fire is extinguished, it can still smoulder, burn, and reignite as I have in my lowest times of life. I was not on fire.

Tonight, I felt a flare.

I struggled to find an actual point behind writing this particular post. I just wanted so badly to share my feelings on something beautiful, but didn't know how to make it relevant. It turns out, that is the purpose. In life, we are taught that we must know 100% what our purpose is from the start, and that we must, by all means, have a plan and follow it to a T lest we become a burnout.

In my life, I have seen stories unfold, but I have never once seen a story end. We grow up hearing stories with happy endings in which the protagonists go on to live happily ever after. In real life, we expect that from relationships, from the latest resolved conflict in life. I used to tell myself, "this was the worst it will get, we'll be fine now", and without fail, a worse situation would come up down the road. Despite our best efforts, we are not the authors of our story. What we plan for ourselves comes true 0% of the time. The purposes we appoint for ourselves may not actually be our real purpose in life. Another favorite verse of mine says, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." (Proverbs 19:21) 

No matter what I do, that purpose - the purpose of the Lord - is what I am here for, and what I absolutely will accomplish. I'm not saying to shut down, send everyone home from the office early and call it a day on your dreams. But we need to take a moment to relax. I've been racing towards a perceived "end" for 7 years, and I've ended up exactly where I started. I'm not any better or worse off for my accomplishments, but I'm not where I planned to be, either. This has been something that I've struggled with accepting, and I'm starting to realize that perhaps what I had planned isn't exactly what I'm supposed to do right now.

I didn't wake up yesterday and say to myself, "I am going to run in the rain at 9 pm tonight and try to figure myself out." In fact, when I woke up yesterday, my plan was to go straight to bed as soon as I got home. Something changed in those 15 hours in between. Something changed from the moment I began running and the moment I stepped back inside completely drenched. Something changed from the time I started writing last night and now, as I am finishing this entry.

I will never actually complete my plans the way I  intend. Life is not a blueprint of a building, set to be constructed and completed within a time frame that we have decided. There isn't a finished product until we die, because until we do, we will always be planning, and we will never be satisfied because we will never resolve those plans.

I'm not trying to sound futilistic here. I believe that every life has a purpose, and that that purpose is laid into our hearts and minds to work towards. But take a piece of time to stop when things don't seem to be panning out the way you had hoped. If, like me, you're stuck waiting, enjoy that time - do something that fills you with light, and love, and everything you want to share. Enjoy it because it won't always be there. I should be grateful for how relatively peaceful my life has been lately, and instead I've been reeling for the chaos that I was once scrambling to escape from.

When I ran last night, amid the chaos of a storm, I was reminded that I am not in control of my circumstances. Normally, this would be a torturous realization for me. I'm addicted to having control. It's been a huge problem in my Christian walk as well as in my personal life. Last night, it was liberating. I will continue to work towards my goals, but I won't shake my fist at the sky in rage or chastise myself when the going is slower than I'd like.

Instead, I will run in the storm purely for enjoyment.
I will make music, and art, and inspiration.
I will be at peace with a steady fire burning within.